Consent

Here's the supposed "nightmare scenario:" a woman suddenly "changes her mind" and all of a sudden the poor innocent man finds himself charged with rape.

And yet, we're told this is a classic "he said/she said," and far from having is life ruined, this man has been acquitted.

I don't want to get into the specifics of this case, but it does strike me as the perfect examplar of one of the fundamental arguments between feminists and society as a whole: if we say that sex with an intoxicated woman is rape, will men start getting criminal records left and right for picking up women in bars?

Please note, before I go on with my rambling, that I'm not saying this particular man is guilty or that the judge was mistaken -- all I know about the case comes from the news reports, and I didn't get to hear any of the testimony. I'm not qualified to offer an opinion, and I'm not a lawyer, either. I just want to talk a little about the situation as described.

The basic problem here is that it's still perceived as okay to have sex with someone who's intoxicated, and severely so. So intoxicated, apparently, that she had to go and lie down. This isn't a case where she'd had a drink or two but was still alert. He had to know that she was pretty drunk, whether she was talking to him or not. Whatever he understood to be happening, why would he think it was okay to make a move in the first place? Why would he even want to?

And I don't mean okay in a legal sense -- I mean why is it culturally okay? This is what needs to change. There's nothing inherently wrong with partying and getting shit-faced, and there's nothing inherently wrong with casual sex and hooking up -- but there has to be a line where too much of the former means the latter has to wait for another day. Who even wants to have sex with someone who was throwing up a few hours earlier? Is consciousness really too much to expect in a sexual partner?

I don't know if this is something that can be legislated -- I'm inclined to think not. Surely, though, we need to shift the cultural attitude. We need to teach our kids and each other that not only is drunk sex not okay, it's not as much fun as sex with a fully conscious, actively and enthusiastically participating partner. Who doesn't taste like vomit (ick).